Getting out of a Whale Belly

Thank you for letting Ashley and I enter your life. I hope we can make you smile and laugh, make you cry, challenge the way you think, and most importantly, I hope we can inspire YOU. This entry is dedicated to my family and friends, some I have not talked to in many years. Bear through the dark parts of my story because at the end, you will end up here with the current me, who is quite happy! 😊

Story time. This blog was born in the shower one day a couple weeks ago when I heard a song by British singer/songwriter, James Arthur. The song is entitled “Suicide.” When he sang the words, “don’t sugar coat it,” I knew this blog had to be honest. This song made me feel my memories. I began to think about times I haven’t thought about in 10 years or more.

I grew up a gay, jealous, afraid, obsessed, middle class white boy. I liked Pokémon and Power Rangers, and really anything that made me think I could change or evolve into something other than what I was. Before all of that, I liked the color pink and snuggled with a batman shaped pillow at night confused by my desires. This world picked at and chipped away at my core, taking parts of me out and putting foreign ones in. No wonder that by the time I was a teenager I thought about the possibility of harming myself. Even suicide called out to me.

I never decided to hurt myself but I knew others who did. I saw cuts and heard stories about drugs and attempts to end everything. Fast forward to my twenties, I felt the other side of that cruel blade when I almost lost someone close to my heart to this epidemic. I will never forget the feeling of the phone call. I’ll never forget the road I was driving on or the anger clouding my days for some time after. I look back at that darkest time in my life and wonder “what happened?” I have a hard time remembering the order of events that surround that era. They were filled with drinking, depression, and denial.

This was all made worse by the fact I was coming out of the first “real” relationship of my life. Although I never called him my boyfriend, it’s exactly what he was. We lived together, fought, cried and loved each other. All the while lying to our family and closest friends. I loved him and I wanted to be with him no matter what happened. I was devastated, and set free from that cage of a relationship, when I was forced to leave. He wanted to be “straight” and cut contact with me. I was so damaged that instead of going back to my family, I moved in with people I barely knew from my new church.

Long story short, I tried to remove the deepest parts of myself until it pushed me back to feeling of wanting to be gone. I felt like it would be easier that way. I was tired of crying and hating myself. Little did I know; I knew someone who was feeling similarly about her life and she decided to do something about it. I thank God, every day, she failed. That’s when I realized I never want suicide to be my life’s end and I acted. I began to reconnect to the parts of myself, pieces of me torn away long ago, and removed the fake limbs that had been sewn onto my soul since childhood.

There is so much more to tell you. So much from before, in-between, and after everything I’ve shared went into writing this reflection. So much has helped me decide to make this journey with Ashley and with you. To give you everything I might need to write a book but for now I hope you have a good understanding of where I’ve been. What you should be wondering now is where we are going! The original name of our blog was “Rise Up.” Although we decided to go in another direction, that phrase will hopefully remain a part of our foundation and inspiration. We are choosing to rise up against the tide and accept our calling: to chase our dreams and discard the lies and fears others have and will try to apply to us!

I want to be there for you. I truly believe that by sharing our stories and living through one another’s “belly of the whale” experiences, we can gain a higher appreciation for the beauty in everyday life. Photography, art, travel, cooking, and writing are the things I like to focus on now. The past cannot be forgotten or thrown away and it shouldn’t be. Instead I hope it pushes me to share things and love others in a deeper, more meaningful way. I’m looking so forward to exploring this world and everything it has to offer and sharing it with you!

Until next time,

Justin